The Choice to Overcome Loneliness
Meet loneliness. It may be a feeling you know all too well, or one that you have experienced a time or two, but the reality of it is that as humans we are all subject to experiencing this powerful and often painful emotion. Humans are designed for connection, we are a “community species” as many scholars have noted, and when we feel the abrasive touch of loneliness, we have two options 1. React or 2. Respond.
You may find yourself feeling lonely in subtle ways...like attending an event and not recognizing anyone you know. Or you may feel lonely in an extreme way as you realize you and your significant other lack deep intimacy and interpersonal connection. Regardless of the situation, loneliness is felt when our need for interpersonal or intrapersonal connection is not met.
Often when loneliness strikes, we react, i.e., we isolate. We get to work on constructing “protective” walls around ourselves. We choose to not attend events or gatherings that we enjoy out of fearing we may feel lonely. With the walls we have constructed, we create a cozy space for us to feel safe and secure—all the while we have yet to realize we have now made ourselves both alone and lonely.
But perhaps, we have in fact built a cozy jail cell just for us and our loneliness to sit in. As you reside in your cell, you begin to desire change—freedom, a walk in the sun, or hope. You begin to desire connection. This is when response matters.
One of my favorite authors, Dr. Edith Eger, has shared profound insight into the power “choice”. In one of her books, The Gift, Dr. Eger shares about her time as a prisoner in Auschwitz and how she came to realize that it was not the greatest prison she had ever experienced—rather her mind was. She believed that the worst prisons we find ourselves in are the ones we create. Her argument is based in the power of choice and response.
I know that experiencing loneliness is deeply personal and complex, however, you are always afforded the opportunity to respond in a way that empowers you to meet your intimacy needs. For both Eger and Vasiliu, camping out in their proverbial prisons was not the way to meet their needs, rather it was to find a way out.
As loneliness creeps in and tries to deceive you into believing that isolation will heal your wounds, I encourage you to practice a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skill called opposite action. Opposite action teaches us to choose the opposite action of what our emotion(s) is telling us to do (this skill is intended to engage your logical mind to make wise decisions, not purely emotional ones).
In the case of loneliness, your emotions may be telling you to isolate or withdraw in an effort to feel external validation, however, you’re responsible for making the choice that is good for you—opposite action would say that the inverse of isolation is connection.
In order to free yourself from the shackles of loneliness, you must choose connection over isolation. You must choose to be something other than a prisoner. You must choose to bring purpose into the pain of your experience. So whether you are physically alone, lacking shared values/interests with others, or lacking intimacy with yourself and/or others—how will you respond? The choice is yours.