What We See Is Only a Fractional Part of What Really Is
It’s easy to focus on what’s right in front of us without looking much further. What we see on the surface gives us a small glimpse, but have you ever thought to look underneath? On the surface, a teacher might see a kid that can’t sit still in class. A parent might see a kid that is hitting their younger sibling. A parent might say their child was once the “good, quiet” child but is now all of a sudden acting out in school. As adults, we might snap at something small. We might get mad when our partner gets home late from work. But what is underneath all of these presenting behaviors?
In the moment, it can be really difficult to look beyond the surface. We are often triggered in these moments, leaving ourselves with our own strong emotions to deal with. We might feel frustration, fear, anger, embarrassment. This can lead to a cycle of emotions that can be difficult to stop. We try to address the behavior in front of us and are left feeling helpless when it comes back again and again.
What if we aren’t looking deep enough? What if there is more underneath the surface that holds many of the answers to these struggles? What if this presenting behavior is just the tip of the iceberg? Quite often, we are hoping that if we change the presenting behavior, the problem will go away. In reality, what happens is that we are never addressing the root of the problem, so it will continue to present itself in other ways.
When it comes to our kids, the depths usually contain many answers. On the surface we might see a restless child, but underneath they might be struggling to regulate their body and feel in control, so they are doing this in the only way they know how. On the surface we might see a child hitting their sibling, but underneath they might be feeling unseen or overwhelmed by the recent chaos of the holidays. On the surface we might see a child acting out in school seemingly out of the blue, but underneath they may have been covering up years of anxiety and stress through their “quiet” demeanor.
The next time you see your child struggling in the moment, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself what might be underneath the behavior you’re seeing. The next time you find yourself snapping at your partner, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself if your basic needs have been met for the day. You’ll be surprised to see what a difference it can make to dig deeper and explore more than just what we see on the surface. The depths can give us the insight we need to truly understand ourselves, our kids, and how to best meet all of our needs.