Avoiding Reactive Responses in Just 90 Seconds by Katie Paro

If you’re a parent, I’m guessing that there has been at least one point at which you’ve reacted negatively or strongly to something your kid said. We’re humans - we all do this at some point. Responding in a neutral and calm tone is HARD! I want to share a strategy that can help both you and your child in these moments. I call this tool the ‘90 second pause’.

You may have heard mental health professionals talk about the 90 seconds that it can take for emotions to physically run their course through your body. So what does this mean? Once you’ve experienced a trigger that leads to a strong emotion, after 90 seconds, you have moved out of fight or flight, your rational thinking brain is back online, and you’re able to respond in that neutral or calm tone that you (and your child) are needing. 

In my own house, I can tell when my kiddo wants to share something with me but is nervous or anxious because either she’s worried she’ll get a no, or she’s worried about what I’ll say. When I pick up on her nerves, I first acknowledge and name her feelings, which validates her experience and helps her understand what she is feeling in the first place. Then I ask her if she wants me to use the 90 second pause. This means I’m letting her know that, for a full 90 seconds after she tells me what she wants to tell me, I won’t react - at all. Usually I get a yes, because she and I both know that it gives us BOTH the space to breathe and react in a positive way. This allows us to sit with a difficult and often emotion-provoking topic, without letting the intensity of the emotion overpower it. This is a tool that really helps enhance a kid’s willingness to tell us hard things. 

This strategy can be useful for really any interaction or relationship as well - so you can use it whenever something triggers a strong emotion.