Co-Regulation - a Key to Navigating Meltdowns - with Kids By Katie Paro
When we talk about dysregulation - or meltdowns - with kids, the focus tends to be on coping strategies or calming skills for kids. This is absolutely an important part - but a crucial piece of the puzzle that often gets overlooked is our own ability to self-regulate, which facilitates co-regulation for kids.
You probably hear a lot about self-regulation. Self-regulation is something we develop throughout childhood, but it’s pretty hard to get to that point if we don’t experience co-regulation first. Co-regulation is essentially the stepping stone for kids to move toward self-regulation.
So, how does this work? It goes back to our earliest relationships and interactions as babies. Parents and caregivers that attune to, respond to, and accept young ones with compassion and nurturing when their stress or emotions are high, are engaging in the practice of co-regulation. As humans, we attune to the state of others around us. In other words, if someone near us is calm, our nervous system will attune to that state and calm more easily. Similarly, if someone near us is stressed, negative, angry, or dysregulated, our nervous system will attune to that state and trigger our own stress response. It’s virtually contagious. We aren’t born with the ability to regulate ourselves. Kids learn to self-regulate by FIRST experiencing regulation through parents and caregivers. Consider yourself the center point that is emitting your own regulation to those around you.
During moments of dysregulation, safety and grounding are the goals - not lecturing or changing behaviors. The part of our brain that helps us think, reason, and rationalize is literally offline during these moments of dysregulation - so we are basically just reacting using survival instincts. Emotions are strong, while information processing is not.
While keeping ourselves grounded is easier said than done, there are a few strategies you can start out with to begin co-regulating with your kid. This might look like:
Closing your eyes
Using the 90-second pause
Being mindful of your nonverbal cues (crossing arms, rolling eyes, sighing, or furrowed eyebrows) and using neutral and warm cues instead
Sitting near your child while giving them space
Rubbing your child’s back
Hugging your child
Using a sensory brush
Offering your child a fidget toy (or one for yourself!)
Giving your child something cold to hold
Modeling your own deep breathing
Listening, not lecturing
Finding a sense that calms you like a smell, sound, or picture
Reciting an affirmation to yourself
Offering very simple words such as “I’m here” or “You’re safe”
You may need to use some trial and error to figure out which of these tactics help both you and your kiddo feel calm and more regulated again, as it can be different for everyone. Notice that none of these tactics involve lecturing or addressing the behavior at hand - save that for another time when everyone is calm again. The key to co-regulation is to be present and attuned to the child and let them know (many times this will be nonverbal) that you’re there and you support them.
Remember that NONE of us are ever going to completely avoid becoming dysregulated when our kids are dysregulated. We’re humans, and this is okay. Rather than dwell on our moments of frustration and yelling, we should focus on the repair afterward. Repair should always be part of the process once the dysregulation has subsided for everyone. But that’s a topic for another day! Until then, I hope you’re able to find the strategies that work for you and your kiddos to begin practicing co-regulation.