Encouragement vs Praise… What Helps Kids More? By Lauren Buice
If you’re a parent, then this month you may very well be bombarded with report cards and an idea of where your kid is at academically before we move into the crazy holiday season. The arrival of letter grades can signal a mix of reactions… From “Wow, my kid is smart and I’m so proud of them!” to “Hmm… I know my kid can do better than this,” to “What in the world is happening?!”. So now is a great time of year for you to decide that when it comes to grades or other important accomplishments if you are going to offer your kid praise or encouragement.
What’s the difference, you ask? Because both sound pretty good! And they both are! … Kinda.
Both praise and encouragement are meant to help teach kids that something is desirable, that we approve, and make them more likely to do it again.
But the difference lies in exactly what is being recognized as desirable.
Praise highlights that the end result- an A+ in class, a homerun, a flawless presentation- is what the parent is ultimately looking for. This can result in kids learning that pleasing a parent is the most important thing, teaching them that they must be result-oriented, and lead them to become perfectionists that struggle when they fall short of that big, shiny medal.
The main idea of encouragement is that it puts the spotlight on the process rather than the result. So hard work, using empathy to make decisions, and exercising various skills are the focus, regardless of if they resulted in a high grade/other accomplishment or not. This style teaches kids to repeat a skill, put in effort, and have a more stable sense of self-worth regardless of the grades and the trophies.
Here are some examples of praise:
“I’m so proud of you!”
“Good boy/girl!”
“You made all As, so here’s a toy as a reward.”
“You scored a goal. You’re an amazing soccer player!”
“This painting is amazing!”
And here are some examples of encouragement:
“You worked so hard. You must be so proud of yourself!”
“You folding your laundry made my job so much easier today. Thank you.”
“You worked hard for those grades. I noticed you really spent time organizing your planner and not procrastinating on those assignments.”
“You read the field very well and knew exactly where to go to get in the best scoring position. Your practice is making a difference in games.”
“This painting is so colorful. I notice how you added the pink swirl here. Did you do that because pink is your favorite color?”
Praise fosters extrinsic reward-seeking behavior (like trying to hear parent approval and getting all As) while encouragement fosters intrinsic fulfillment and positive self-esteem. If you’re a people-pleaser, then think about how you could guide your kids away from that and teach them to follow their own goals instead of striving for others’ approval.
So if you want to begin your journey of encouraging your kid instead of just praising them, here are a few tips…
Encouragement is specific, praise is superficial. Use as many specifics about why something deserves to be recognized. Make these specifics about the process rather than the outcome. Ex: “You used your legs to pedal fast, you persevered and didn’t give up, you started over when you messed up instead of getting frustrated and quitting, your actions impacted someone positively.”
Say “you” more than “I”. Teach your kid that their opinion of their work is what values most, and they’ll begin to value their work. Start this by asking them what they think about something, what is their favorite part, etc. Ex: “You should be so proud of yourself.”
Be curious and ask questions. Inviting conversation with your kid in the form of questions will yield more than your statements. Ask them- “What do you think worked well this time?”or “What is your favorite part of your painting?” Be curious about their world and their choices and it will open up a way of connecting between you and your child.
Don’t only focus on grades or sports. As kids get older, praise can be often be centered around grades and sports. Be sure you are recognizing things you see in other areas of their lives. This can be how they stick up for a friend, how they’re being more outgoing and less nervous to do public speaking, or their commitment to a hobby or craft.
So now, as grades roll in and you’re faced with how to respond to the good, the bad, and the ugly on the report card, keep in mind that encouragement=empowering. See how you can change some of your go-to praises into encouragements, practice them, and give them to your child from your heart.