Learning to Tolerate the Tough Stuff by Katie Paro

This is something that is so crucial for kids to learn, yet it’s something that we as parents and adults often get in the way of without even realizing it.

Distress tolerance is when we learn to sit with the discomfort of a feeling or situation, and, instead of pushing it away, we learn to tolerate it. 

As parents, we often have an instinct to immediately fix, solve, and stop things from happening to our kids. In reality, though, this is preventing them from learning how to get through tough stuff.

So - how can we start to facilitate this for kids?

First, we need to learn to tolerate our OWN distress as parents. Watching our kids struggle with something or sit with an uncomfortable feeling is hard. So a lot of times, we are jumping to fix, solve, or stop, so that WE also don’t have to sit with the discomfort along with our kid.

This starts with a mindset shift. Rather than thinking - how can I solve this or stop this? - shift this to - how can I sit here and support them? Their discomfort is not targeted and it’s not about us. It’s a normal reaction and a sign that our kids are in need of some practice with this skill. 

To start practicing this, try pausing after the moment your child erupts or demands that you deal with the tough thing for them. If you can start with a few seconds, that’s a great place to start. 

Remind yourself: this is hard, but I’ve got this. 

Remind yourself: this is not about me. 

Remind yourself: they are learning. 

Remind yourself: we can BOTH get through this hard thing.

Over time, try adding a few seconds each time. Before you know it, you’ll be able to easily put space between the moment and the impulse to fix. With each moment, you’re helping your child develop a tolerance for all of the tough stuff they will face in life.

I’ll give you an example that recently happened with my daughter. She had a word search and couldn’t find the word. She brought it to me and asked me to find the word for her. I said, “Hmm, you want me to solve it, but you can do it. You’ve got this.” Now don’t get me wrong, this was NOT met with a pleasant response, which is partly why the development of distress tolerance can be such a difficult process for both kids and parents. She yelled, stormed upstairs, and threw a fit. I let her sit with that for a minute and then, after reminding myself that this moment was not about me and it was not my job to fix this, I went up to offer my support - but still no solutions. She was still angry, continued to ask me to find the word, and the cycle continued. I reminded her again that she could do it even though it was hard. This continued for a few more minutes, but after a while, she (reluctantly) started trying strategies to find the word. And in the end, she did. The next day, I saw that she kept the word search and found her looking at it at her desk. That little moment (although tough at the time) went a long way.

Are these going to be your favorite moments as a parent? No, likely not. It’s not always a ball of sunshine. But each of these moments give your kids an experience and memory of the time they got through something tough, the time someone encouraged them, the time someone offered support instead of anger or shame, and the time they accomplished something difficult on their own. Learning to tolerate what we’d consider minor stuff when they’re kids will help them learn to tolerate the much tougher stuff as they navigate life.