Protecting Kids from Achievement Culture by Lauren Buice

In today’s world, kids are under an immense amount of pressure to achieve.Whether it’s getting into the perfect college, having the most Instagram followers of their friend group, being captain of their club sports team, or having the best resume, many kids that you know are constantly chasing excellence in their lives… and struggling to carry the weight of it all. 

Studies show that students are feeling more and more that parents only care about their success, that they’re spending more time on school work and less time with peers or their families, and rates of depression, anxiety, and burnout are climbing and are often connected to this perceived need to excel in all they do. Research shows direct links between facets of overachiever culture and multiple mental health issues. From the chronic stress of academics, to reducing time to play and peer interaction, to strained parent-child relationships, to an extrinsic sense of worth based on trophies and resumes, all of these factors affect us and our kids on psychological, emotional, and physical levels. The toll these things take on our lives quite literally affects our brain chemistry, mood, and overall view of life. 

The bottom line is this: kids must separate their self-worth from their achievements, and the adults in their lives have to help them get there. 

Forming identity is the key task in an adolescent’s development, and constant emphasis on their achievements can lead to their identity being built around those things and a narrow view of success. And as they enter adulthood and inevitably someone else is making more money, has a more put-together looking house, or gets invited to more parties, their sense of personal worth takes a big hit. Protecting kids against this and against toxic hustle culture involves emphasizing that they are more than just their grades or trophies and a greater focus on what makes them feel like they matter in the world.

With around a month of summer left, there is still time to take advantage of this break and start to rewire your family’s views on achievement. Here are some ways to help you and your kids remember that none of us are defined by what we achieve.

-Spend less time talking about grades, sports, or performances. Instead, spend time with your kids “without an agenda”. Watch the ratio of how much time you spend talking to your kids about how that test went, scores other kids got at the game, etc. Be mindful of having positive, non-stressful conversations with kids where they can talk about whatever they want outside of those achievement areas. 

-Check your expectations. Are your expectations for your kid realistic? And even if they’re realistic, are they helpful? Kids vary in strengths, abilities, and interests. Be sure that your expectations still allow them time to socialize, get a healthy amount of sleep, and enjoy interests outside of school/sports/extracurriculars. 

-Don’t over-praise achievements. Being proud of your kid and telling them that isn’t a bad thing! We love to see hard work pay off. But remember that if you shower a kid with praise when they achieve and are silent or critical when they don’t, that gets internalized as not meeting expectations, failure, and ultimately a strain on the parent-child relationship. 

-Help kids find their strengths and purpose. Help your kid discover what they’re passionate about and what gives them a sense of purpose. This could be volunteer work, a certain interest, or visiting their grandparents. Frequently point out your kid’s strengths and character traits. The more they hear them, the more they will believe it about themselves. 

-Check your own anxiety about your kid’s success. If you’re constantly worried about your child’s grades, give them lectures after a game about how they could have done better, or micromanage their schedules, you may need to take a step back and ask if your anxiety about their success could be doing some harm. Anxiety around achievement from parents sends a direct message to kids that achievement is the priority.

-Limit social media. Social media has capitalized on our innate status-seeking nature as humans. Now everyone’s achievements are out there for the world to see, leading to comparison and negative self-esteem spirals. Limit not just your kid’s time on social media, but your own as well.

-Prioritize family time. Studying to get a 100% instead of a 92% should not come at the expense of time spent together as a family. Give your family time to come together, play, and connect. Even if it means they miss a week of practice for family vacation or spend 30 minutes less on homework each night to eat dinner together. 

These recommendations are much easier said than done. There’s no magic way to snap our fingers and suddenly be rid of achievement-based anxieties. If you or your child struggles with perfectionism, keeping up with Joneses, or struggles with self-worth and an internal sense of value, consider talking to a therapist. Our team at Rise would love to come alongside you in your journey to find meaning and purpose in your life in our fast-paced world of achievement. 

If you want to learn more about achievement culture and how to best support your kids, I highly recommend Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace