Providing Support to Children During Challenges
A child’s job is to learn how to navigate the world. With that comes many mistakes and many failures. Continually showing up for your child after their mistakes or failures shows them your love and care for them is unconditional. No matter how many mistakes they make or how many times they fail, you are still on their team. You are showing them that you will be there to offer love and support while they navigate life's challenges.
You may be thinking, how do I support my child while also making sure I do not approve of their negative behavior? We can certainly set a boundary about the specific behavior that is not allowed; however, a simple acknowledgement of the negative behavior is at times all that is needed. What’s most important is what comes next. The support and validation. As we know, the job of a parent is to love and protect your child and after they have been on their worst behaviors, this can at times be the hardest time to show the child love.
I want you to imagine a time where you really screwed up and nothing went your way that day. When you walked in the door that day what did you need?
My guess is you didn’t need someone to tell you how badly you screwed up or listing ways you could have done something better. You probably thought of some sort of support. It could have looked like a loved one giving you a hug, someone listening, or a friend cooking your favorite dinner. Most importantly you needed to know there was at least ONE person on your side…. at least ONE person who loves and cares about you even when you feel like the rest of the world is against you. Your connection and support is what our children need. They need to know you are on their team even when they make mistakes.
I would love to hear ways parents have supported their child this week!
Ways to give your child support when they are having a hard time:
Goal: Let them know you are on their team even if they have made a poor decision
Simply BE with them
This is as simple as sitting next to them and saying nothing at all
Giving them a hug
Devices are away and you are present with your child
Allow yourself to sit with their feelings *this may bring discomfort as it is not always easy watching our kids be upset*
Validate the child
What your children need after a long day
You can help them identify how they are feeling and let them know it’s okay to feel that feeling.
“You feel really frustrated and disappointed because you tried really hard on your English test.” “It’s okay to feel frustrated and disappointed.”
Notice any tendencies to want to give them solutions. Ex: “how much did you study? What could you do differently next time?”
We are focusing on support right now. Solutions will come but it is most important at this moment to provide support and validation.
Set the boundary plus consequence if necessary
“I see that you are very angry because of ______________. You cannot hit your brother but you can use your words to share with him why you are angry. If you are not able to do that you may choose to walk away or pick another game to play with.”
If your child is unable to choose a healthy coping skill, you decide an age appropriate consequence. Example: the minutes of their age in simmer time
By Meredith Payne