A Starting Point to Emotion Regulation with Kids

Behaviors versus feelings. What’s the difference and why does this matter? Understanding the difference and knowing how to use that knowledge to your advantage can help you work toward emotion regulation with your kids.

So first, what IS the difference?

Our feelings are the sensations or reactions we experience internally after encountering some external factor. Sometimes they surface suddenly or strongly. These are things like anger, frustration, happiness, sadness, embarrassment, etc. A behavior is the action we take after we experience that feeling. These may be things like yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, hugging someone, dancing around, running out of the room, etc. So in some ways, the feeling is a catapult or a bridge to the behavior. We feel the feeling and then we act on it.

Feelings are experienced by all of us. And while we all engage in some kind of behavior after experiencing a feeling, our behaviors can vary drastically from person to person. Kids typically don’t have many options for behaviors to deal with feelings (or even understand what they are), which means their behaviors may feel very strong, negative, or disruptive. Their toolbox is very limited in this sense and feelings are much newer (and sometimes scarier) to them, so at times they just want to get the feeling OUT. So they will - sometimes through yelling, tantrums, hitting, etc.

Think of it this way - it’s the first day the pool is open for the yearr, and it’s not quite “summer hot” yet. You jump in (external factor that you experience). The immediate reaction in your body may involve muscles tensing up or shortness of breath (the feeling), and you may scream or run out of the pool as fast as possible (the behavior). This would be aligned with a child’s immediate reaction or behavior to a big feeling.

Now imagine that you’d felt that feeling many times before. You’re older and you’ve jumped into cold pools many times. You knew what the muscle tensing would feel like and you had learned to use things like deep breathing, grounding strategies, or mindfulness to face the challenges that come along with the feeling. The feeling isn’t different - it’s still the same as it was before. It’s just that now you have more tools to deal with it. So the reaction to the feeling is much different - and more regulated.

Kids don’t have these tools until we teach them.

So where do you go from here? How can you help your kiddo right away? Here are three key steps to get started:

Name the feeling for them, as they may not have the vocabulary to articulate this yet – “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated and disappointed that your brother ate the last cookie.”

Validate the feeling, while also addressing the behavior if needed; this separates the feeling from the behavior – “It’s okay to feel frustrated right now, I totally get that feeling! But I will not let you throw your fork at your brother.”

Use co-regulation (keeping a calm demeanor because we as humans attune to the state of others around us). Your kid is likely struggling to calm themselves down on their own in the moment. Keeping yourself calm and grounded can help them co-regulate with you.

Hope this is a helpful starting point. Emotion regulation is HARD (for kids and adults alike!). Know that this is not an overnight change, and it takes time for kids to develop these tools and skills. Give them (and yourself) some wiggle room to bend as you both learn to grow in this area of life.