10 Things Your Teen Wishes You Knew
Have you ever felt like you have no idea what your teenager wants from you, and everytime you take a shot in the dark you mess it up? You’re not alone. My job when working with teens is often to become a sort of translator between them and their parents. What I find most often is that teens and parents are trying to express alot of the same things, but that they’re speaking two completely different languages.
In an effort to help parents shift their perspectives and help teens get needs met that they can’t always express, I’ve compiled a list of things that teens wish their parents knew. Some of these have been expressed verbally by my clients, others are themes I’ve observed time and time again.
Keep in mind that every child is different, every parent is different, and every relationship is different. All of these might not apply to your child. Situations with trauma, abuse, and severe mental illnesses might change these as well. If you don’t know if your child would agree with all of these, ask them! I encourage you to sit down and make this article a discussion piece to see if there’s something that will help you and your teen communicate more effectively.
1. Being a teen is HARD
Yes, being a parent is hard, but so is being a teen! Not only are their brains developing at a rapid pace, but their minds are flooded with the demands of academics, sports, friends, family, etc. They are becoming keenly aware of how others see them without yet being able to distinguish whose opinion matters and whose doesn’t. They are navigating a world of social media and whole online cultures that are foreign languages to most adults. They are forming their identity, finding their purpose, and finding their voice. They are testing things in their world, including their parents, to find what is steadfast and safe. They are asking existential questions about what meaning they will make of their life. All of this while studying for that big math test, trying to keep up with trends, and dealing with a chaotic flood of hormones that changes them physically and psychologically.
If you are a parent, do not make the huge mistake of discounting the struggles your teen faces. It may be easy to say, “All you’ve got to do is go to school. You don’t have any other responsibilities. What’s so hard for you?”. Discounting the challenges of growing up and being a teen in today’s day and age is the quickest way to get your child to push away from you and stop telling you what’s going on in their life. Approach their complaints or woes with curiosity, understanding, and empathy, knowing that this period of their life can be extremely stressful and demanding.
2. I notice way more than you think
Teens (and kids too, for that matter) are far smarter and more observant than adults give them credit for. When I have a parent tell me, “But so and so doesn’t know about that yet,” nine times out of ten the kid has an idea that something is going on. Rarely are they blindsided. Teens will pick up on the subtle tensions between parents, the way a parent grimaces when the total at the grocery store is more than expected, and that their tone shifts when they say they’re doing fine. Being as observant as they are, they will pick up on things and interpret them themselves if parents don’t address it. Don’t assume your kid has no idea what’s going on, because they probably know more than you think. And if you want your kid to not assume the worst or think they did something wrong, be upfront with them. Address the elephant in the room or your kid will learn that things are shameful and should not be talked about.
3. Don’t assume that I did something wrong. Ask for my side first.
There is a sense of betrayal that teens feel when their parents have already passed a guilty verdict without even hearing their teen out, even if the teen knows they were in the wrong. It’s not about whether they were wrong or right, but the principle of parents not assuming the worst about their kids and letting their kids’ perspectives matter. Especially now with social media, parents pass along the going-ons of their kids’ personal lives to other parents quite frequently. If a parent tells you something about your kid, you will receive a different response if you ask about it calmly than go in accusing them. Knowing that it’s very possible they messed up, hear them out and let them know that you aren’t jumping to conclusions about rumored negative behavior. This way you might understand their reasoning beneath their choices instead of throwing them into defense mode. Plus this helps protect a teen’s self-image if they don’t feel as if their parent only sees the negative parts of them.
4. Sometimes I need space.
A teen needing space, spending time in their room alone, not wanting to tell you everything about their day, etc. isn’t necessarily a cry of rebellion or a symbolic middle finger to you and your relationship with them. In fact, it’s completely developmentally normal and healthy for adolescents to put some separation between themselves and their parents, want more time with peers or alone than with parents, and to complain about once-loved parent-child activities as uncool or boring. Problems arise if teens do not go through this stage and you get codependent parent-child relationships, struggles with making friends, and difficulty forming their own identity in the coming years. Now, this doesn’t mean that all space all the time is healthy either; a complete lack of togetherness and isolation can signal a bigger problem. Get to know your teens “tells” that they need space, encourage open communication, and even come up with a codeword that lets you know to back off and give them time to cool off, recharge, etc. If you respect their space, chances are they’ll trust you more with the time you do spend together instead of feeling constantly pushed.
5. I know your intentions are usually good, but it doesn’t always feel that way.
I think most parents would be shocked to know that the majority of the time, teens actually understand the intention behind their parent’s choices about screen time, curfew, consequences for rude behavior, etc. Not often do I have a teen tell me that their parent’s intention is to make their life miserable or make them into horrible humans. Most teens have the awareness to know that their parents’ intentions are to keep them safe and teach them lessons, and they are just upset with the execution of those intentions.
A parent’s job is not to make their kid feel “good” all the time. It’s not to remove every obstacle, every consequence, and make life easy. But it is important to validate when a teen feels those unpleasant emotions in response to a parenting decision, otherwise it’s telling them that it’s not okay to feel those things. So don’t take “You’re ruining my life!” to mean your teen is absolutely certain that you are trying to hurt them. When the situation is calm, discuss perspectives and allow your child to feel the unpleasant feelings and acknowledge those.
6. See me as a whole, not just my negative behaviors.
Sure, common “teen behaviors” like talking back, pushing boundaries, and more can be frustrating for parents. For parents encountering these kinds of behaviors for the first time with their kids it can be startling and take up much of a parent’s time and worry. Keep in mind that your teen is so much more than their rebellious ways and their not- fully-developed prefrontal cortex! They are artists, collaborators, philosophers, learners, humanitarians, go-getters, and so much more. If you want your teen’s self-esteem to be secure, be sure to recognize the parts of them that aren’t just “difficult”. If your teen senses that you dread being around them, they’ll pick up on it. Viewing them holistically will help them develop a more confident sense of self, even when they do make mistakes.
7. I need to hear “I’m proud of you”.
The big caveat to this is that the “I’m proud of you” cannot come from an achievement like a sports championship, good grades, first place talent show, or anything else performance-based. What your teen really needs to know is that you are proud of them for who they are as a person, not proud of what they accomplish. This helps a teen form their self-worth around who they are internally vs what the world says that they accomplish externally. When you say you're proud of your teen, try to use certain qualities that you see in them that are intrinsic to who they are and are demonstrated whether they win or lose. If they are really into a hobby/sport, compliment them on another aspect of their life. Say how proud you are of them as they give advice to a younger sibling, stick up for a friend, spend hours editing a video to post online, or paint their bedroom a crazy color.
8. Ask about the stuff I’m into that you’re not
Oh, the bonding that would take place if parents were willing to get invested in whatever weird thing their kid loves! For real though, get your teen to show you their Minecraft world even if you have no clue what the heck is going on. Ask them what their favorite song is and why, and listen even if it makes you cringe on the inside. Explore their passions and figure out why they love them. Investing time into your teen does not mean only on your terms and with your interests. Show up with respect to whatever their “thing” is and allow them to teach you.
9. Just listen, don’t “fix”.
Parents often think that they are great advice-givers and they are eager to share what they’ve learned in their lives to help their teens avoid the mistakes that they made or guide them in a helpful direction. While the intention is good, oftentimes teens just need a listener. A huge part of teenhood is making mistakes, learning from them, and better understanding the world around them. This stage of life is where independence grows and individuals gain more confidence in their ability to solve problems. Plus, they really want to feel validated in their emotions. If your teen is open enough to vent to you about things going on in their life, show interest and listen empathetically instead of jumping in with solutions. Your teen will walk away knowing that you’re a listening ear. And if you’re not sure if this is a “listening” moment or a “fixing” moment, just ask your teen what they need from you.
10. Set a good example for me
Nothing ruins a teen’s motivation to change more than having parents who say one thing and do another. Yes, rules for parents need to be different from rules for teens, but if you are unable or unwilling to follow certain expectations you set for your teen, your argument will be seen as invalid. Parents should model to their kids how to navigate the world, social landscapes, and challenges. So if you want your teen to reduce screen time, don’t also have your phone at the table. If you’re worried about them being a gossip, watch how to talk about others (even when you don’t think they’re listening). Practice handling your anger, walking away when you need to cool off, and healthy self-care and coping strategies. No teen will always follow their parent’s example, but the most important role model in a child’s life is their parents.
by Lauren Buice