Forgiveness: A Tool for YOUR Healing By: Lauren Buice APC,NCC
Growing up, you likely had a parent or teacher encourage a short exchange of “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” to get past whatever squabble was happening and just move on. With time comes the realization that forgiveness in the face of true pain and wrongdoing is far from a simple three-word sentence.
There may not be one perfect definition of forgiveness; if you ask ten different people you’re likely to get ten different answers. But the main theme you’ll hear consistently is letting go of anger and resentment towards someone who wronged you.
The best description of forgiveness that has been shared with me is, “Forgiveness is letting go of the right to take revenge.” It involves empathy, taking the other’s perspective, and allows you to see them for more than the hurt they’ve caused you.
When we hold on to the hurt, it is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is something that hurts us but that we continue to hold onto. People want to hang on to the bitterness and anger because it makes them feel like they have power, but in reality we only have true power over ourselves and our decisions to grow beyond what happened to us.
Perhaps the biggest misconception about forgiveness that gives us the most icky feeling is that forgiving a person means believing that what they did was okay. But this is not the case. We can simultaneously acknowledge that we were wronged and also be willing to release our anger and not seek retribution. We can forgive and yet reestablish a boundary that was broken. Forgiveness does not mean that we will allow it to happen again. Forgiveness is not caving in or being weak. It is one of the most inspiring displays of inner strength because of how hard it can be.
With this view of forgiveness, we eliminate the condition that the other person must be sorry and apologize in order for us to forgive. You have the power to heal, regardless of the other person’s beliefs or actions. Do not give someone else control over your peace.
There are more than just emotional benefits to extending forgiveness. Science shows that holding onto resentment and bitterness affects us on a physiological level. Forgiveness can lower blood pressure, boost the immune system, improve mental health, improve sleep, reduce anxiety and depression, and facilitate greater purpose and satisfaction in life.
If you are wanting to explore more of the forgiveness journey, I encourage you to take a look at different forgiveness models. Enright’s Forgiveness Process conceptualizes forgiveness in four phases: uncovering, decision, work, and deepening. Use the questions to help determine what phase you are in
Forgiveness does not mean that you’re magically healed from hurt and that you will never have lasting effects. PTSD, attachment issues, addiction, and maladaptive behaviors may all result from the wrong someone committed. Experiencing any of these does not make you incapable of forgiving; it is important to come to terms with the sometimes lasting effects of the grievance, accept them, and continue in the forgiveness process.
It is important to know that you should not try to force yourself to forgive. If you feel like you are forcing yourself to forgive someone, then chances are you may be repressing emotion. Emotions like hurt and anger send us important signals about our boundaries being violated and we need to honor them. If you try to skip to forgiveness without doing that, then you won’t truly be letting go.
If you feel “stuck” and unable to forgive, or are wondering if it’s even possible or beneficial to forgive someone like an abuser, then I encourage you to seek out a therapist who will help you better understand your emotions and what path will bring you the most healing.
As you go throughout your week, think about what bitterness you may be holding on to and who you may need to forgive. Remember that this is an internal process for YOUR healing. Forgiveness is not for the weak. You are STRONG.
“When we hold on to the hurt, it is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is something that hurts us but that we continue to hold onto. People want to hang on to the bitterness and anger because it makes them feel like they have power, but in reality we only have true power over ourselves and our decisions to grow beyond what happened to us.”