Ways We Are Messing Up as Parents of a Teenager By: Monica Van Deventer LPC

Parents are struggling in this day and age to understand what their teens are going through. When working with parents and teens I often hear the inability to grasp their teenager’s pain- “I don’t get how they can be so depressed, they aren’t the same person anymore, they have been struggling for a while, and how can I help them?”.

Teens are juggling more than we can ever imagine. They are confronted with constant pressures and expectations from parents, school, friends, church, sports, and social media. They are bottling up what they are going through. Feeling that the only option is holding in their emotional experience. There has to be something missing at home, where a child does not feel safe or able to tell their parents (their longest relationship), what they are experiencing internally!

Ok, so what do I do? INTENTIONALITY. We have fallen into a habit of routine. Routine questions and expectations. There is a lack of depth in the relationship and curiosity of who your teen is. It’s time to start having hard conversations. It’s time to ask about suicidal thoughts, self-harm, death, sex, substance use, insecurities, relationship with food, body image, interpersonal relationships, fears, and shame. It’s up to the parent to start having these conversations and to begin modeling them. Most importantly, how can we respond with sensitivity instead of reactivity?

How can you begin to model the importance of acknowledging hard things in life? We all experience them, even your teen. Your teen is desperate for a SAFE place to open up and explore. If your teen is in therapy, this is only 50 minutes a week of support, what about the other 10,030 minutes when they don’t feel seen?

Try putting yourself in the shoes of your teenager for one day. You will begin to understand the urgency of being present with them daily and how to offer compassion for their current experience in this world.

“How can you begin to model the importance of acknowledging hard things in life? We all experience them, even your teen. Your teen is desperate for a SAFE place to open up and explore. If your teen is in therapy, this is only 50 minutes a week of support, what about the other 10,030 minutes a week when they don’t feel seen?”