An Approach to Decoding and Understanding Behaviors in Our Kids by Katie Paro
Your kid just hit their sibling. You know they know not to do this (in their most rational state of mind). As a parent, these moments are among the most difficult to navigate. Our instinct is to correct the behavior or get our kid to stop immediately. Of course, safety is and should be the priority. However, ensuring safety and regulation for our kids can be done in a way that facilitates change and growth for our children instead of guilt and shame. This begins with the way we view “behaviors”. Do we see the behavior as an action and nothing more, or do we see the behavior as a “symptom” of something that is going on a bit deeper than this?
On one hand, you can choose to address the behavior. You may reprimand, solve, correct, or fix. You may use words and punishments. You may find that this leads to a tense divide between you and your child. Why is this? In this scenario, the focus is on trying to stop a behavior, which disconnects you and your child. Your child may feel scared, alone, or defensive in these moments, further escalating their already-dysregulated state. The reality is - your child likely knows that their behavior wasn’t helpful or that it was wrong.
On the other hand, you can choose to meet your child with curiosity. This doesn’t mean that behaviors are excused or dismissed. It means that, in this moment, you are acknowledging that your child’s behavior means something more than what you see on the surface. The act of hitting the sibling isn’t resolved by simply telling kids that “we don’t hit” and assigning a punishment. The act of hitting the sibling is rooted in something deeper. Maybe they feel unseen or unheard and that most of your attention lately has gone toward their sibling. Maybe someone called them a mean name or pushed them on the bus. Maybe they had to hold it together at school all day and their cup is overflowing with pent-up emotions. Maybe they are nervous for a big test tomorrow.
When we meet kids with curiosity, we choose to explore the root underneath the behavior, which can guide us toward a more informed approach in the long-run. If we only ever address the behaviors on the surface, the root still exists and has yet to be resolved, which means it will continue to pop up in other places or in other behaviors. I always tell parents and clients that it’s like Whac-a-Mole. Through consequences and punishments, it appears as though we are “eliminating” something (the behavior) when we look at it from the surface - but it continues to resurface because there is something going on underneath.
There is always something underneath the behaviors we see on the surface. When it’s necessary to address behaviors with consequences, it is most effective to do this when both parent and child are in a calm state of mind. Kids can absolutely learn that there are consequences for actions. Ultimately it comes down to when and how we choose to approach this with our children. Once we meet our kids with curiosity, we can begin to help them address and process the root under the surface. This can help them resolve some of their internal conflict that is causing the behaviors to begin with.