One Boat, or Two?: The importance of keeping your identity in romantic relationships By Lauren Buice

We’ve probably all had a friend who started dating someone and completely lost themselves to the relationship. They might hang out only with that person and skip hanging out with friends, suddenly get into some new interests and music that their partner “just so happens” to be into, or become unable to hold a conversation that doesn’t eventually talk about their significant other. They go from “So and So” to “Someone’s girlfriend/boyfriend.” 

Maybe you read this and think, “Yea- I’m actually that friend!” The truth is, most of us do this in one way or another. It is natural and positive for a relationship to become a part of your identity, but what happens when it becomes more than just a part…? When we lose our individuality in a relationship, we stop investing in the things that fill us up or relieve our stress, and we start to ignore our own needs. We stop being authentically ourselves in a space where we should feel safe to do so. 

Yes, your status as someone’s husband, wife, bae, or [insert cheesy petname here] is important… But always remember that your identity is more than just that! 

The best way I’ve heard this described came from a professor of mine several years back. (Shoutout to Dr. Macke!) 

Many people think that a committed relationship or marriage involves “becoming one” like two people in one boat. The problem with this is that both people try to captain the boat, and you’ll never find balance. Instead, a healthy relationship is where two people are both captaining their own boat and decide to tie their boats together so they can sail alongside one another. 

The trick to being tied together is to stay close enough to be able to communicate between boats, but not so close that they crash into each other. In the same way, relationships need closeness and intimacy and time spent together nurturing that tie, but the individuals still need to exist outside of the other. 

Sometimes one boat might need to help pull and guide the other, and that’s okay. But be careful of relationships when one boat is constantly pulling the other, because if one side is constantly giving and not receiving it slows both boats down.

Here are some ways to maintain your identity in a relationship:

-Invest in what brings you joy. This can be hobbies, people, tv shows, and more. Know what fills your cup and be intentional about taking time to do those things or be with those people, even if your partner isn’t into it.

-Spend time apart. Yes, some space is actually good for relationships! Find time to go do things on your own, like hanging out with a group of friends or getting out to walk in nature.

–Communicate your needs. Your needs are just as important as your partner’s. Identifying and speaking up about your needs helps you feel valued and respected. 

-Don’t change who you are for your partner. A true, healthy relationship involves authenticity and acceptance of who you truly are. Don’t 

-Keep your own rituals. Whether it’s sitting out on the porch with a cup of coffee in the morning, prayer, journaling before bed, or 

-Take time for YOU. Prioritizing self-care isn’t selfish. It is essential to be the best version of you to bring to your relationship.