The Parenting Dance of Detachment By Cristine Seidell, LPC, CCH

Ahhh..the sound of a fresh and new year is fully in everyone’s ears right now and aside from exercise, diet and finances, relationships come in as one of the top areas people want to improve. If you’re a parent, you probably have even gone so far as to make the commitment to “be a better parent”, “be more patient”, “be more present” and a plethora of other lofty goals that are so difficult to nail down the meaning.

When we look at healthy relationships and what characteristics make up those that people deem healthier and/or more whole. There are several factors, but one of them is detachment. Now, before we go down a rabbit hole of thinking healthy relationships are when the participants are aloof and UNATTACHED, let me clarify that detachment in relationships is the act of letting go EMOTIONALLY of a person or what they are doing that disrupts your peace.

Now, how many parents out there get EMOTIONALLY troubled when their child disrupts their peace?? Hello!! Me included!! BUT why? What is it about our child not listening, not following directions, making poor choices, that gets us emotionally unhinged? What are we attached to in thinking our children need to keep us emotionally regulated?

Let’s pause for a moment and discuss what happens when a parent is emotionally unregulated or whose nervous systems is not in a calm state. The National Institutes of Health, as well as other highly regarded research bodies, have published several studies around parent and/or adult conflict in the home and its direct impact on a child’s autonomic nervous system, however; what they have also determined is that conflict amongst adults is not the only indicator of impact, but also dysregulated individual adults in the home. What these studies report is that the children’s nervous systems are directly reflective of the adult’s regulation or dysregulation, regardless of its source. Meaning, if an adult is angry at a co-worker but comes home and is projecting anger, the child’s nervous system will pair to the parent’s anger. Their visceral response will be that of a parent being angry at them.

Ok, track back with me to detachment. Our children are paired to our emotional regulation. So, if we are elated, you will see them respond as if they are elated too and or what you are elated over. If you are exasperated and overwhelmed, they will respond to be the source of frustration or that they are “too much”. So, you can see that for a child who is still developing, pairing to healthy regulated adult nervous systems is critical in developing their own autonomous nervous systems. Which begs the question, what are you communicating from your nervous system? As a parent, emotionally attaching ourselves to our children can do harm and tends to not yield the results we truly want.

So what can we do differently? Here are two things to give a try:

1.     Detach from our emotional needs while actively parenting our children, so that we can reflect the child’s emotional needs in that moment. Think Mary Poppins. She was emotionally neutral in all areas of guiding. When correction was needed, she didn’t raise her voice or pled with children, just as when there was something to encourage, she didn’t throw a ticker tape parade. She remained emotionally neutral.

2.     Refrain from using the phrases “I need you to…” or “I can’t handle/deal with…”. These communicate to the child that your emotional needs are their responsibility at that moment. So, instead of saying, “I need you to listen to me.” Say, “Can you show me that you are listening?”. Instead of saying “I can’t handle this behavior right now.”, you can say, “I am happy listen to you when you are using a Me voice, but if you choose not to, I am going to go back to doing ____ and when you are ready to use your Me voice, I will be available.”.

Shifting these two areas are game changers. Does if feel weird and does it take intention? Sure, but when the change hits, your relationship with your child improves and the household feels calmer, more peaceful and levels your parenting game 10-fold.

Now go make 2024 amazing!!