Why You’re Over-Reacting By: Cat Gouge MS,APC

Do you find yourself becoming overly annoyed while sitting in traffic, or angry when your partner does not notice you did the dishes, or anxious about an upcoming presentation at work? I would be willing to bet that underneath each of those emotional experiences is a self-statement that turns a preference of yours into an absolute demand.

What do I mean? Well, let’s take the example of that presentation at work. In your head, you may tell yourself something like this: “It would be awful if I were to mess this presentation up. I couldn’t stand it if I were to fail. I need to get this right.” In this way of talking to yourself, you are turning a reasonable preference of yours – your desire to succeed – into a must.

Now, if we are honest with ourselves, is it logically true that you could not stand to fail? Is it true that you need to do well or else you could not be happy with yourself or your life? No, it is not a need, it is still only a preference. We would prefer to do well at work, we would prefer to not be inconvenienced by traffic, we would prefer for our efforts around the house to be noticed by our spouse, but, in reality, we do not need any of these things.

Grandiose thoughts lead to grandiose emotions. If you truly believe that you need acceptance from a person, then your complete meltdown as a result of not getting that acceptance follows directly from that belief. In that view, the meltdown is reasonable, although ultimately damaging towards your goals of connection with another person. If you were to believe that even if you were not accepted, you could still be reasonably happy with yourself and your life, you not only spare yourself the meltdown, but you also allow yourself to enjoy the relationship more fully.

So, when you find yourself having an emotion that is outsized considering the situation, explore what preference you are turning into a must – what want you have allowed to mask as a need. Remind yourself that you can supplant this false self-statement with one that is true – that there are very few things you need and what you are demanding at this moment is likely not one of them.